He was
by xxlovely
Summary: Post 7x10 mid season finale. That post-kiss fall out. Harvey x Donna. One shot?Perhaps two-shot potential


_Post 7x10…_

Your mind is swimming, thoughts bouncing off of one another at a hundred miles per hour. Your hands are shaking by your sides, and you're trying your best to regulate your breathing. What the _fuck_ did you just do? Your legs are taking you to the elevator, and you can feel his eyes on you, but you daren't look back, even when he calls your name- you know you can't. Your fingers press against the elevator button and you mentally plea for the doors to open instantaneously "Come on" you whisper urgently "come on!". They ping open and you throw yourself into the small metal box, your body slumping against the walls as the doors shut in front of you.

What the fuck did you just do?

One minute you were fine; you were getting on with your work, about to pack up for the evening, and then the next thing you do, you go and monumentally fuck things up.

You exit onto the roof, a shiver running down your spine as the cool night air blows your hair in every direction. You inhale deeply, your head falling back as to try to calm your nerves.

"Donna-" Shit. You knew the chance of him following you up here was highly likely. He knows you, he knows your escape routes- why couldn't you go rogue for once in your life? Why couldn't you have just fled to some random bar downtown? "Donna-" You ignore him, silently hoping that you're in fact wearing some miraculous invisibility cloak and that he too will disappear in a moment. "Donna, what was that?"

You shrug, your back to him "I needed to know."

"Needed to know what?" he asks, making no attempt to close the distance between you. Yeah Donna, needed to know what? Because we're all wondering here. "What did you need to know Donna?" Your lack of a timely response is evident in his tone, you turn around. The corners of your lips tug up into a small, sad smile, your eyes glistening as you hold back a tsunami of emotion that's threatening to obliterate you from the inside out-

"Why has it …never been me?" Your words come out in barely a whisper as you struggle to maintain eye contact with him. It's a question that's been burning in the forefront of your brain for as long as you can remember, and as much as you have mentally picked apart every look, touch and word spoken by the man before you, you've never been able to get a solid answer.

You watch as his eyes widen a little, clearly shocked at your question, never expecting for you to be so direct with your thoughts. After all, you've both spent the best part of thirteen years avoiding this very conversation, why stop now? His lips part and you inhale, preparing yourself for the inevitable rejection, at least it would allow you to finally move on…it would be the closure that you have been so desperately searching for, right? "Donna…"

Here we go.

You take a step back as he takes one forward, attempting to close the distance between you. You're doing everything in your power not to run or hide… or you know, just get a one-way ticket to a deserted island and never show your face again. His attempts to talk stop as he purses his lips together in a tight line and you can see he's thinking of a way to get out of this mess, just like he always does. You laugh to yourself, throwing your head back in disbelief as you look towards the sky, once a coward, always a coward.

You finally found the courage to ask that million-dollar question, you deserved an answer for god's sake. Don't let him get away with avoiding the situation, again! "Why has it never been me?" you repeat, your tone firmer this time around.

Still nothing.

Your arms that were once wrapped around your small frame, protecting you from the evening breeze, fall to your side in exacerbation. Your eyes roll to the back of your head, the anger building up in the pit of your stomach. You were about to blow, you could feel it. "I never understood it myself" you start, deciding that if he was too chicken shit to express how he felt, you were going to get the ball rolling. "Everything in my being told me that you weren't worth my time" his face falls.

"From the moment, I met you I was drawn to you; like a moth to a flame and at first, I put it down to physical attraction, you were easy on the eyes, you had this sense of authority that ignited something in me, but it was your heart that kept me around for all this time."

"Donna-" you put up a finger to silence him, he missed his opportunity to speak, it's your turn.

You turn your back to him, looking out at the New York skyline, your gaze focusing in on the lights of a building somewhere down town.

"For years we've been skirting around each other's feelings, brushing them off as moments on insanity, we've had more near misses than a Spanish telenovela, and despite being two of the most forthright and stubborn people in this city, we've never been able to be straight with one another"

"That's not true" he interjects, shaking his head "we tell each other everything, we always have, its why we work"

You resist the urge to roll your eyes, instead choosing to purse your lips tightly together as you nod. "Right…" you respond sarcastically

"Don't you think?"

"Ask yourself this Harvey, and be truthful…didn't we stop 'working' a long time ago?" He goes silent and you can see the cogs turning slowly in his head, his gaze moving to the floor as the thought "Ever since that night where you and I…" you stop yourself, regaining composure "we stopped 'working', and instead just continued on as a well-oiled machine. We've had our blips over the years, but after a bit of time and TLC, we started ticking away again"

He gulps, his tongue running swiftly over his lips, he knows you're right. Silence falls between the two of you, as you both struggle to find the right words to say, your friendship…relationship…hell, whatever this was, is on a cliffs edge, and you're both staring down into the abyss.

"Paula." Is the only word that falls from his lips after what seems like forever, and you scoff loudly. You feel your hands clenching into fists, the anger bubbling up inside you.

You should be getting angry, at the end of the day- _you_ kissed _him._ You were the one who made the bold move with a man in a relationship. You know how he feels towards infidelity, and yet you just threw him into a situation he's spent his whole entire life avoiding. If anyone had the right to clench their fists right now, it would be him. "I have a girlfriend, Donna." But those words pushed you over the edge.

"You're right" you nod. "I don't know why I still hold on to this speck of hope after all this time!" You shrug, throwing your hands in the air dramatically. "I have juggled so many plates for you, played so many roles over the years…" His brows furrow in confusion, his lips pushing out into a slight pout as you resist the urge to melt a little at the sight. "I've been your secretary, your colleague, your COO, your friend, your therapist…which is ironic because you seem to have a thing for therapists, but clearly not this one-"

You scold yourself mentally for going off on a tangent, knowing that was a cheap shot, you quickly move on "I've been your confidant, your conscious, your work wife, your family…I have always been there, through thick and thin, rain or shine, I have _always_ been there."

He remains silent, his eyes fixed on you "I've watched girl after girl break your heart. I've been the one sweeping up the pieces, gluing them back together in the hopes that none of them took a part of you with them when they left. I've been there through your highs and your lows, I've put my job on the line for you more times than- "

"I've put my job on the line for you just as much!" he interrupts, and you hadn't, just provoking you even more.

"How many fucking times do you have to bring that up? When will you let it rest? You saved my job- you saved my goddamn ass, and I will be forever grateful Harvey but- "

"So, don't make this so goddamn one sided!" He's found his confidence at last. "Don't you _dare_ put this all on me. Don't. You. Dare." His hisses at you, his tone firm. "What about you!?" He points at you, taking a step towards you.

"Me?!"

"You! "He's standing right in front of you, his warm breath fanning across your skin as the combination of his proximity and the dropping temperature causes your skin to erupt in Goosebumps. "I was the one who asked you out all those years ago Donna, I was the one that showed interest in you! You said no."

"I don't get involved in men I work with, I told you."

He laughs hysterically "Do you hear the hypocrisy in your voice, Donna? Do you hear how stupid you sound?!" He brings his hands up, clawing them together as the words seethe through his teeth. "You worked for me after… Hell I watched you get together with Stephen…"

"That was different!" you protest, trying to make a case for yourself

"No, it's not" he shakes his head "And your saw what that did to me."

"You had Scottie" you bounce back.

"You're impossible" he throws his hands up in defeat, ready to turn away and surrender. You gulp harshly as you watch him turn away towards the fire exit door, a single tear racing down your cheek "You know…" he spoke up, facing the door "I told you I loved you that night" he turns around "Sure, I'll admit, I told you, and I fled, and that was a shitty thing to do, but it didn't mean any less. It took a lot for me to admit that Donna. To look you in the eyes, and tell you that I loved you. For days, I thought I was going to lose you, that I couldn't fix your problem, that I was going to be the reason you went to jail. The thought crushed me, made me question every life choice I made up until the moment, wondering if I had done something different down the line, could I have prevented this?"

The tears are now freely falling down your cheeks, your stomach churning.

"I was ready Donna. I was ready to face my feelings, and embrace something I had known about for years. I thought that I could push past years of regret and ignorance, to finally be the man you deserved. God, Donna. You have no idea how head over heels, slit my throat, in love I was with you."

"Harvey-" you pleaded, not knowing how much more of this you could take.

"And you know what?" Harvey raises an eyebrow, smiling to himself slightly "When you told me you loved me too, it's like you handed me this missing jigsaw piece, a piece I had been hunting for, for years. And in the next breath, you tell me you're leaving me."

"And I pushed you into her arms"

He shakes his head "You leaving me, was the cherry on top of a shit load problems I had been ignoring for years. I needed to seek professional help, and none of it was your fault. But I had to come to terms with you leaving me, I had to readjust to life without you being there, and I needed to do that. I couldn't hold you back any longer.

"But-"

"Look, Donna…" he sighs, moving towards you, his hand moving to your arm "It was never my intention to hurt you in any way, shape, or form, but I know over the years, I've done that on several occasions. And I'm sorry"

This doesn't feel like a rejection, but then again it doesn't feel much like a declaration of love. "I feel like I've wasted the best years of my life loving you" you admit quietly, your shoulders slumping as you feel your vision begin to blur again.

"Wasted?" he whispers, unsure he heard you right. You nod, and his hand falls from your arm, visibly hurt.

"I had all these plans" you tell him, your voice steady, calm. "I wanted to be an actress, but you knew that. I wanted a family. I _really_ wanted a family. I wanted to be able to go home of a night and walk into this loving environment, where I had these beautiful children that represented my love for someone. I wanted to nurture them, to mould them into these wonderful human beings. I wanted to be the reason someone woke up smiling in the morning, and went to bed smiling at night."

"I've never stopped you from being able to do that Donna…"

"You did…" you smile "the moment I walked over to you in that bar, and started a conversation with you, you stopped that from being an attainable goal. Because it became instantly clear to me, that all of those things I mentioned just then… I wanted with you."

"Paula" he mentions her name again, but this time he chokes her name out, struggling to get her name off of his tongue.

"I know" you close your eyes momentarily, finding peace.

"Donna-" he reaches out for you again, but you step away

"It's okay Harvey" you assure him, but really you're just trying to reassure yourself "it's okay. I just had to know."

"Had to know what exactly?" he asks again, and this time, you're ready with an answer.

"If the man I am destined to be with was standing right in front of me all of this time" you state, almost mimicking Louis' words earlier.

You watch Harvey's mouth open slightly, knowing his fighting the urge to push for the rest of that sentence, but the conflict is evident on his face, that gleam in his eyes, dulling ever so slightly. You close the distance between the pair of you, wrapping your arms tightly around his neck, your eyes boring into his. You feel his heart face in his chest as you push yourself against him, desperate to feel him against you, to give you just the slightest hint of comfort. Your head leans to the side and you watch his eyes close, as yours do the same. You let your lips press against his cheek, a tear falling from your eyes, rolling down your face, leaving its mark against his skin along with your lips. His shoulders slump with what you wish is disappointment as you remove yourself from his embrace. "He was."

 **HAHahaha. HEY GUYS! I am back after like 700 days of hiatus! I saw reviews flooding in again and I had to post again. Show me some love and perhaps I'll come back full time again!**


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